PoB

Not many people are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Most believe that they are, but they’re really not. Luckily for them, I’ve devised a list that saved me once and will no doubt save those unaware in the future. No steps can be avoided. The only way to survive is to do this.

1) Get a dog It’s a simple task. Preferably an adorable one that you would claim “is part of the family” within five minutes of being with it. The next thing I’m going to tell you is key: Do not get a dog after the zombies have taken over. If it’s already happening then you might as well throw away this list and scream for the zombies to come and take you.

I mention to get a dog for one reason and one reason alone. Decoy. There’s no better way of escape than tossing your lil’ puppy-muffin out onto the street while you sprint in the other direction. The little guy will act as a perfect companion to your adventure. He’ll bark when the shamblers lurk near and he’ll even allow you to carry him when he can take no more running. What’s better than to have man’s best friend by your side as the rest of the world is infected? Hell, he may save your life that one time when you slip on ice and the zombie falls over on you and, somehow, the dog knows to decapitate it using only his mouth and advanced humping skills.
2) Get a rope It’s going to be a depressing day. Your family will die, your friends will die. And then you’ll have to kill them again when they reanimate and attempt to feast on your juicy face. This is going to be difficult. If you can’t cope, use the rope. Spin it, tie it, do what Boy Scouts taught you and make a noose unlike any other. You know what to do next.

3) Make a run for it Chicken! It’s just like you to not kill yourself. Make sure to make a lot of noise as you run out the door. Scream, throw things, even run up and sucker punch a zombie or two in the back of the head. Whatever you do, don’t let them not notice you. It’s a rarely known fact that zombies are like old people driving a car. If you honk at them they won’t know what’s happening and more than likely swerve off the road or die. Clear a path zombies!

4) The final step Give this list to a close friend, preferably strong and even thicker in the skull. Wait for them to begin step 3 and then slip safely into the night.