PoB

For the longest time, to the extent that most of my memories are of anger and disgust with the world, I have despised so much around me. Being young when 9/11 happened had a huge impact on who I was and what I would become. Not in patriotic ways or even in ways concerned with humanity, but I just felt that the world was such a horrible place and there was nothing good in this world.

But, several years later I look back and say to myself, I don’t want this to be it. I’ve always told myself God, or any other super natural or otherwise unexplainable event/presence doesn’t exist but I’m tired of it. I want to believe. Not in religion, but in something above us. One day I want to look up in the sky and say “It’s finally happening”. I don’t want to look up and see a black hole tearing apart the Earth, I want to see another world, a peaceful one.

It’s come almost shockingly clear to me that it isn’t (never was) a force beyond me that needs to make things right in my life, it’s me. Blaming everyone else has never gotten me anywhere, and it certainly hasn’t gotten this world anywhere. It’s not God’s place to make things right when I’m the one who’s screwed up, it’s not karma or irony that I need to wait for… Maybe if the rest of the world started to see this things would get better, but they’re not.

We think we’re so smart, that everything around us is a result of a big explosion in the middle of nothing, which is practically impossible, seeing as though there is apparently “no such thing as oxygen in space”. Tell me your opinion, see if I care. Try to explain it to me, I won’t listen. If you preach to me your religion, I will tell you to screw yourself and go to Hell. I do not wish to listen to you, I wish to listen to what my mind tells me.

I believe in love, I know that now; I believe in good overcoming evil and that humanity has a higher purpose than blowing up centuries of hard work with the push of a button. And I’ll be damned if some scientists are going to tell me what to think, how to act, what to fear.

I want to believe in something more. More than black holes and dark matter.